Getting Older

Saturday night I was thinking about how old I was and how old I would be in 8 months. I will be less than 3 years away 60. I used to hear the older ladies talk when I was in my early 20’s and 30’s, but it was never about wanting to have sex or the desire to feel a have a man’s touch.

Then I realized something that those women would change the subject when I would come into the room. When I would ask questions about sex they would tell me babe ” I don’t think abou that kind of stuff no more and giggle. Then I started to hear stories on the news about seniors getting std’s. Now that I am getting closer to that age group I still want to have sex and not with just a toy. Yes, toys are fun to play with when you have no other choice but when you can have a real person and a toy hot damn that can make your day and night. It is sad that I have to wait until my son is out of the house to play with my toys. But I want a real man or woman or both to play with. Damn it! I guess it is just bothering me. I freakin stay horny, some days are worst than others like today. But I will find a way to get over it.

I

 

Lonely Little

This time with covid-19 has left my little in a state of pure loneliness. It is no funny when you have to do the adulting thing all of the time. Then to top it off people are worried about touching each other. I can barely get a hug from my family much lest anyone-else. I have my stuffies but it is not the same as see your other little friends. My little wants to go to a party to see someone get played or get played herself. But for the last 11 months the world has been in quarantine which is a living hell for a submissive/little. As little I can play with my stuffies or color in my coloring books so many times. I need to see other littles I need a play date. I need to be tickled until I snort. Then I would like to be played by someone with knives so I can giggle until I forget how to say my safe-word and I swear then I am reminded of my safe-word.. lol

Let’s be honest littles are strong people. Think about the years that they have been hidden from the world until they find that one person or group of people they feel safe enough to come out of hiding. If it is a single person he or she is lucky because littles a very careful about who they reveal themselves too. Right now it feels like my little is back in the closet hiding from the world but this time the reason is so we do not get sick. But it still feels like poop!!! We want to hug our friends and see them too. We do not like being away from them this long!!!

We are not sick with this covid-19 stuff it is the loneliness that is making us sick. How do you make it through all of this without falling apart?

My best guess is you put your best foot forward and take one step at a time then if you cry a little but keep on going . Color a little watch some cartoons and try to be happy. One day things will get better and mini me will get to play.

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Wednesday is the Beginning of the Trips…lol

I am looking forward to the beginning trips to the doctors. That is when it really starts to get real. Mentally it is real because I know that I made this decision for myself but when I start to go to the doctor’s appointment other people in my life will understand that this is real.

Right now my son thinks that I am just blowing smoke as well as my best friend is playing the wait and see game. Please understand they mean well but it is not about them or anyone-else it is about me making a change just for a better me. I want to get off of the medication that I have to take and be a healthier person. Being 4ft 8in 234lbs is not healthy no matter what I have told myself. I would love to get down to 110lbs. That would be a person and a half. I would be very happy if I lost 100 lbs. I would be smaller than I could ever remember.

December 1, 2020

This is the beginnings of the real work. I have had my food funeral. What I mean by that is eating and drinking all of the things that I know are no good for my like chips, cookies,fries, lunch meat, bread and stuff like that. Now I have to find healthy replacements for those things. For instances instead of having bread with my black bean patty use lettuce leafs,tomatoes with pickles and mustard. My snacks can be good and healthy. Fruit and vegetables smoothies, vegetables juice. I worked at getting fat, now I have to work at getting healthy. Why? Because I want to see and feel better. I don’t want to die from a heart attack,diabetes or anything related to those diseases or the drugs used to treat them.

 

Seminar and Consult done!

Yesterday was an awesome day! I listen to the seminar on the bariatric surgeries that are done by Baylor and St. Luke’s. The doctor an I came to an agreement that the gastric sleeve, this is the surgery that I wanted in the first place.

The insurance wants me to see a nutritionist and a physiologist for the next six months. I know they want to make sure that I really want to do this an I will not change my mind in a month or two. I have been thinking about this for quite a few months

I have had a friend ask me already if I understand what I will be doing to my body, I had to explain to her my thoughts behind this decision. As a child I was chubby. I remember going to Sears and getting the fat kid’s jeans or the fat kid’s clothes in Kmart. Then as a teenager hoping that I would grow tall enough to loss some of the fat but that didn’t happen. I found ways to hide it.

But now I am 57 years young, now is the time for me to do something for me. When my doctor asked me why I didn’t do this 5 years ago. I said “I was not thinking about myself. I was busy taking care of everybody-else. I didn’t think about myself.” Now I am doing this for myself. This is the second thing that has been done for me.

The first thing that was done for me was filing for our divorce. Sam and I had been married on paper for 27 years. The funny thing is the only reason Sam finally paid for the divorce was because he found someone from his past that he wanted to be with. So I filled out the paperwork and filed the paperwork with the court’s. It too about 2 weeks for the judge to sign the final decree. As of April 14,2020 I am a divorcee and a happy one.

The second thing that I am going to do for myself is get the gastric sleeve done as soon as I am cleared by the doctors, an insurance.

 

New Changes to Come!

It has been a while since I posted here. To tell the truth I forgot I had this blog, now that I have it again I will be posting about my kink life and about my process leading up to my bariatric sleeve surgery.

I have my first consultation this month, November 16,2020 I will be finding out all of the things that will get me started on this journey.

 

Being a Little !!

I am not your typical Little or middle.

I am a Little the majority of the time, but when I have to do the adulating for my family and friends, I am all in.

What I mean is that I am in Little mode most days. I can do the shopping but at any minute I may break out in a dance when a song is playing that I like. It does not matter to me that someone will be watching.

At that moment in time it is all about me and how I feel,

One of the things that makes me happy is when I am  looking for something to make me smile, giggle or down right laugh.

It is not a hidden fact that I am a Little.  My FOC and my family know that  I am a Little they also know that I am a service sub.

So if they see me with a stuffie in my purse or backpack it is normal for me.. 

They also know that if I am having a very bad day I will be in my corner of the living room reading or coloring in one of my books. 

One of the things that I have learned is that I do like the dark side of being a Little. Just because I am a Little does not mean that I am not interested in doing the things that make me kinky.

I want to have someone play with fire, wax, knifes, floggers, paddles and all of the things that is in the kink lifestyle. That also includes having a Daddy or a Sir. I have Bigs that play with me but it is nothing like having your own Sir or Daddy.

I love being a Little.

 

Littles Knowledge more to learn

I started read this book about 5 days ago, it has been very helpful to me. The title of the book is The Book for Littles: Tips & Tricks By Penny Barber

The reason that I wanted to read this book is because I do not have a full understanding about being a Little.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I have been to a couple of Little events and I have felt a little out of place. I do not wear clothes that are considered as Little wear.  I like wearing my everyday clothes, I may add some colored socks or some fun prints on my underwear but that is it. I don’t do baby talk or speak in the third person. Iam not into wearing diapers, onesies, bibs or have a pacifier.  That is not me, yes at times I can and do throw a temper tantrum that is me being a little bratty because I feel like I am being neglected by my Sir/Daddy. I know that is not a good way to get the attention that I am looking for. I know that it will get me punished but that is the beginning of a process for me. I will take the spanking or being put in time out. Because after the punishment I will be ready to talk about what I need and want. 

In the book there is a series of questions under each subtitle. Those questions will make you think about your sub side as well as your Little side. For instance some of the sub titles are ,  who is your little self?  Each section has a title like behavior, label, personality, regression. There are about 3 or more questions following section. So far I have been reading and answering the questions. I know that I might put my answers on my blog. For now I will finish reading and answering the questions. Cheers to learning more about Littles and Middles. 

 

Spanking and Flogging

This past weekend I went to my favorite play party. I had a wonderful time but it made me do some thinking. One of the events at the party was called the Puppy Pile. The purpose of the puppy pile is to pass out birthday licks but the subs are the one’s taking the licks.

The rules are as followed.

1. All of the sub are to lay face down in the center of the room.

2. All of the Tops are to make a circle around the subs.

3. The only toy to be used were floggers, no dragon tails, no whips or canes. You can not switch toys once it starts. The host or hostess makes the time limit.

4. If the Top or sub reach their limit and get out of the pile you cannot return.

We started out with five subs and about ten Tops. By the time the hostess said stop there were only three of us left. I was one of the three. I was very happy that I made it to the end… 🙂

It got me thinking about how I feltpoo about being flogged or being spanked. I know that some people do not think that there is much of a difference, you are getting hit with an item both ways. Some people will say that being flogged is just as intimate as being spanked. But to tell the truth being spanked is very personal for me. If I am in some type of relationship with a person such as DD/lg or play partners, there is a big difference to me. If my Daddy wants to flog me then that is for Him. Yes, I will get something out of the flogging. One I am pleasing Him. Two I will get to fly. With both of those covered I will be happy because He has release some stress and made me fly, to me that is a win.

I know that what I am about to say some people will not like but here I go. If I have asked one of my friends to be my Play partner of a scene of flogging it is all about me. I am being selfish for two reasons. 1. I have not played in a while and I want to stop myself from go into a frenzy. 2. I am looking for a sensual flogging or a thuddy flogging. Most of the time there is one woman who I know that can do both. She will ask me 2 o2ne I am in need of, once w5e have2 gotten that out-of-the-way. The scene will start.

Spanking:

I have learned that to me being spanked is very intimate. I have been asked to go spanking parties but I cannot do it. I have been in relationships where spanking were used in two ways : 1. As punishment 2. To reinforce intimacy

For me it worked because it was a way to be close and to correct my behavior. The Sir I , was always busy with work or taking care of his extended family, so to made our time together very limited. We would talk on the phone or send emails. But He knew that I would need that physical contact before we would do anything sexual. Most of the time it would be a just because spanking. There were times that I would have a temper tantrum because it has been far too long. I can deal with not see my Sir for a couple of weeks but longer than that I act out. What I mean by act out is I will break a minor rule or I will tell him that I cursed someone out. When I know that He expects me to carry myself like a lady at all times even when someone causes me to get angry.

There is an element of care and concern to spanking for me. To be over my Sir/Daddy’s knee is very personal. That is done in private. If it is done in public as a scene I would have to be on a spanking bench. That way in my mind it keeps it from being personal. It will be a show of power exchange not an invasion of our private time.

I know that some will read this and not understand what I mean but you must understand that I am a little was well a submissive.

Thank you for reading this note from the mind of an Imp.

 

A Small Rant!!!!

This rant has nothing to do with kink. As of Thursday night I have been without an air conditioner. It is hot as HELL in Houston and I am without air. I have fans but it does not work. Yes, it is helping a little . But I had forgotten how it feels to be without that cold air blowing through the house. I hate being hot and sweaty. It is a bitch to try and sleep when all you feel is fucking hot. Done!!!

 

Just Thinking

I have been hearing a lot about trust and D/s. I do understand that you must work on trust in a D/s relationship. But for me it starts before the D/s. I would like my Sir to be my friend first. Maybe I am wrong, but if I am going to let you into my life, I will be sharing my body and my life with you. I will not go into a relationship built on a lie. I want to be sure that he knows who I am. He must understand that I am a mother and a friend then a submissive, little and a lover too. I need to know That if I tell you something it will stay with you, one of my biggest fears is that if  I tell you about my passed You will understand that all of those past painful events help turn me into woman that I am today.

The reason to sharing the good and bad parts of my life is to show where I have been and where I am going.  I know that some of the things that I have gone through will make it seem like I am a broken person that is in need of fixing. But that is not the complete truth. Many of the things that some would see as broken were fixed with time and a lot of talking.

I hope that my Sir will be able to understand that there will be triggered at one time or another. At times like that I will need to be held and reminded that I am loved and cared for. What some people do not understand that being told to just suck it up will make a person resentful. For me I will shut down. That is a sign for me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I have been in a relationship like that, I was not happy. I learned that for me to be happy I have to be able to speak freely.

I want you to understand that this is just my way of clearing my mind.  I know that I started this post speaking on trust. All of this is how to build trust with me. I know that someone is going to think that this is a normal desire.  But for me it is a real need.

Yes, it is just a thought that has been on my mind. I will hope that when I meet my Sir he will be a loving caring Daddy.

From the mind of a thoughtful Imp.