A Sad Heart

About 2 week ago I found out that my dad had passed away. We did not talk much but when we did it was like no time had passed. Right before the world went crazy we were planning for him to come to see me. He was suppose to down here in the middle of May 2019. We were goimg to the beach, out to dinner and maybe a club. We joked about the club because he knew that I did not go out that much any more.

I was looking forward to seeing him. I knew that he had some medical issues as well as other habits that were not good for him but that did not stop me for loving him. I felt a strong need to see him face to face. I wanted to tell him just how much he meant to me. I was not his child by blood but he was the only Dad I have ever known. Now it is to late to have that talk with him. I know for sure that he loved me and he knew that I loved him. I am just hurt that I did not get to see him one more time.

He will always be a part of me!! Daddy I miss you.

Love always Peewee!!!

 

Old Friend Returns… Not So Good

An old friend contacted me last week on April 3rd. He showed up on the 6th and stayed until Friday morning. It was not a very good reunion, it was a reminder of why we would only see each other once a month or two months. We did enjoy each others time but there were a few thing that reminded me why it was good for us not to be together everyday. You see when we met I knew that he some mental problems but I did not realize just how much of a problem it would be. For me it showed up when we went to run a couple of errands. I had to ask him not to smoke while I was in the truck with him. But that did not seem to matter that much to him. So I had to let that ride until It was time to make him understand that it was important to me.

I did my best to understand what he has been dealing with for the past couple of years. I understand that his father has passed and he is now taking care of is mother along with his own issues. I saw for myself just how easy it is for him to get lost in his mental world. He tried to show me the people that were hurting him or causing him pain. But he would do it while we were on the road. Thursday night I had enough after we went to dinner on the way back to my home he tried to run a red light after another guy did it. I had to yell at him to STOP!! I was so pissed off. But he did not understand why he could not run the red light. I told he could not run the light because I was in the truck with him. I told him the guy that ran the light did not think he would get caught by the police so it did not matter to him. But it sure as HELL mattered to me. I said ” You can not run the light because you have my LIFE in your hands when you are driving. When you are in the truck by yourself, you can do whatever you want to when you are alone.” That was the reason for the end of his visit. I do hope he made it home just fine. When he does call I will have to let him know that we will be better off as friends and nothing more.

I hope he takes it well but my mental health is more important to me than his broken heart.

 

Still Waiting

I know that you have to jump over all of the little streams and creeks to get to where you need to be but this journey is taking a long time. Just when I think I have made it there is that one little hump or bump in the way that I have to jump over or climb over. The hard part is when the problem is when the stumbling block is in someone-else’s hands. Then I have to make the phone calls to get the blockage moved. That is what I had to do a couple of weeks ago. All of this time my surgeon was waiting for the clearance from the cardiologist. All he had to do was to fax his report or summary the same day he talked to me. I was told that it will be anywhere from 2 to 3 weeks for my insurance to give the final okay. Then I will have a meeting with the surgeon and the dietitian. After that I will get the date for my surgery. I have been hoping that it would be in May. I am still hoping for a May date because I would like to be able to enjoy some of my summer. I want to be able to throw away all of the cloths that do not fit because they are falling off of me. I want to go to goodwill or family dollar for a dress that cost three dollars not $30.00 for two weeks. I want to go to Walmart and shop in the same area that my daughter shops in. I want to go to Target an buy a dress in the women’s section not in the plus section.

I know that this sounds like a rant but truly it is just a little a release after today’s meeting. So many people were talking about how scared and worried they are. So are second guessing themselves because their family and friends are questioning as to why are they getting the surgery. Many of the women were voicing the fact that they were concern about not being able to eat certain foods or being to show their families love as is the tradition in their families. I do understand where they are coming from because I cook for my friends and family. I that I do not have to eat ever thing that I cook for my friends and family. All they need to know is that I made it just for them. This will be a new way of thinking and a new way of cooking so it is one step at a time also one meal at a time. So for now I will continue to wait.

I am going to be positive about this and say my turn will be coming up soon.

 

Doctors appointments

I have gone to see a cardiologist, a registered dietitian with 5 more to go.. Next will be the first psychologist meeting with 5 more to follow. I know that I have to have a sleep study done but I am not sure how many visits I have to do.

I had a video call with the sleep therapist, he wants to see me again in April. On the 27th of January I have my first appointment with the psychologist. I am a little nervous but I will be ok. Okay lets count how many doctors are on the list to see…lol. Bariatric Surgeon, registered dietitian, sleep therapist, psychologist and a cardiologist.

I knew that I would have to see a bariatric surgeon but I did not know that I would have to see all of these other doctors. I have to check my blood pressure and record it for the next three months. I have to work on planning my meals and recording my sugar too. I thought making the decision to have the surgery would be the the hard part. I have had enough surgeries they do not scare me. What scares me is one of these doctors saying no and having to start the process all over again. But I have to think positive or I will make myself sick. I know that all I have to do is take it one appointment at a time one doctor at a time. I have got this.. ok.

I have read many things about the process and every thing says take pictures of me now and measurements of myself so I can compare the pictures of myself before surgery and after surgery. I have not done that yet because I am not ready to see it written down on paper or see it in print.

I am supposed to working on losing 15 pounds before May. But I have been goofing off by having food funerals which is getting a little out of control, I need to set a date and stick to it. I think the best way to do that is to put it in print where I can see it and where others can see it and hold me accountable. But I have to be careful of who I would want to be accountable too. I could post on Facebook an ask some of my friends for help or I could write a post on f.l. but there are to many people that I do not want to know what I will be doing. I know that talking to one friend is out of the question. She has sent me a video about a new diet pill that would cost over $150.00 for 6 to 9 months. I have not asked her if she was going to try the pills herself. But to tell the truth I don’t give a lovely fuck if she does or does not. To be very Honest this about doing something for my health and well being not anyone-else. I have had enough of people trying to talk me out having the surgery. I will stand by my decision.

 

Getting Older

Saturday night I was thinking about how old I was and how old I would be in 8 months. I will be less than 3 years away 60. I used to hear the older ladies talk when I was in my early 20’s and 30’s, but it was never about wanting to have sex or the desire to feel a have a man’s touch.

Then I realized something that those women would change the subject when I would come into the room. When I would ask questions about sex they would tell me babe ” I don’t think abou that kind of stuff no more and giggle. Then I started to hear stories on the news about seniors getting std’s. Now that I am getting closer to that age group I still want to have sex and not with just a toy. Yes, toys are fun to play with when you have no other choice but when you can have a real person and a toy hot damn that can make your day and night. It is sad that I have to wait until my son is out of the house to play with my toys. But I want a real man or woman or both to play with. Damn it! I guess it is just bothering me. I freakin stay horny, some days are worst than others like today. But I will find a way to get over it.

I

 

Lonely Little

This time with covid-19 has left my little in a state of pure loneliness. It is no funny when you have to do the adulting thing all of the time. Then to top it off people are worried about touching each other. I can barely get a hug from my family much lest anyone-else. I have my stuffies but it is not the same as see your other little friends. My little wants to go to a party to see someone get played or get played herself. But for the last 11 months the world has been in quarantine which is a living hell for a submissive/little. As little I can play with my stuffies or color in my coloring books so many times. I need to see other littles I need a play date. I need to be tickled until I snort. Then I would like to be played by someone with knives so I can giggle until I forget how to say my safe-word and I swear then I am reminded of my safe-word.. lol

Let’s be honest littles are strong people. Think about the years that they have been hidden from the world until they find that one person or group of people they feel safe enough to come out of hiding. If it is a single person he or she is lucky because littles a very careful about who they reveal themselves too. Right now it feels like my little is back in the closet hiding from the world but this time the reason is so we do not get sick. But it still feels like poop!!! We want to hug our friends and see them too. We do not like being away from them this long!!!

We are not sick with this covid-19 stuff it is the loneliness that is making us sick. How do you make it through all of this without falling apart?

My best guess is you put your best foot forward and take one step at a time then if you cry a little but keep on going . Color a little watch some cartoons and try to be happy. One day things will get better and mini me will get to play.

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Wednesday is the Beginning of the Trips…lol

I am looking forward to the beginning trips to the doctors. That is when it really starts to get real. Mentally it is real because I know that I made this decision for myself but when I start to go to the doctor’s appointment other people in my life will understand that this is real.

Right now my son thinks that I am just blowing smoke as well as my best friend is playing the wait and see game. Please understand they mean well but it is not about them or anyone-else it is about me making a change just for a better me. I want to get off of the medication that I have to take and be a healthier person. Being 4ft 8in 234lbs is not healthy no matter what I have told myself. I would love to get down to 110lbs. That would be a person and a half. I would be very happy if I lost 100 lbs. I would be smaller than I could ever remember.

December 1, 2020

This is the beginnings of the real work. I have had my food funeral. What I mean by that is eating and drinking all of the things that I know are no good for my like chips, cookies,fries, lunch meat, bread and stuff like that. Now I have to find healthy replacements for those things. For instances instead of having bread with my black bean patty use lettuce leafs,tomatoes with pickles and mustard. My snacks can be good and healthy. Fruit and vegetables smoothies, vegetables juice. I worked at getting fat, now I have to work at getting healthy. Why? Because I want to see and feel better. I don’t want to die from a heart attack,diabetes or anything related to those diseases or the drugs used to treat them.

 

Seminar and Consult done!

Yesterday was an awesome day! I listen to the seminar on the bariatric surgeries that are done by Baylor and St. Luke’s. The doctor an I came to an agreement that the gastric sleeve, this is the surgery that I wanted in the first place.

The insurance wants me to see a nutritionist and a physiologist for the next six months. I know they want to make sure that I really want to do this an I will not change my mind in a month or two. I have been thinking about this for quite a few months

I have had a friend ask me already if I understand what I will be doing to my body, I had to explain to her my thoughts behind this decision. As a child I was chubby. I remember going to Sears and getting the fat kid’s jeans or the fat kid’s clothes in Kmart. Then as a teenager hoping that I would grow tall enough to loss some of the fat but that didn’t happen. I found ways to hide it.

But now I am 57 years young, now is the time for me to do something for me. When my doctor asked me why I didn’t do this 5 years ago. I said “I was not thinking about myself. I was busy taking care of everybody-else. I didn’t think about myself.” Now I am doing this for myself. This is the second thing that has been done for me.

The first thing that was done for me was filing for our divorce. Sam and I had been married on paper for 27 years. The funny thing is the only reason Sam finally paid for the divorce was because he found someone from his past that he wanted to be with. So I filled out the paperwork and filed the paperwork with the court’s. It too about 2 weeks for the judge to sign the final decree. As of April 14,2020 I am a divorcee and a happy one.

The second thing that I am going to do for myself is get the gastric sleeve done as soon as I am cleared by the doctors, an insurance.

 

New Changes to Come!

It has been a while since I posted here. To tell the truth I forgot I had this blog, now that I have it again I will be posting about my kink life and about my process leading up to my bariatric sleeve surgery.

I have my first consultation this month, November 16,2020 I will be finding out all of the things that will get me started on this journey.

 

Being a Little !!

I am not your typical Little or middle.

I am a Little the majority of the time, but when I have to do the adulating for my family and friends, I am all in.

What I mean is that I am in Little mode most days. I can do the shopping but at any minute I may break out in a dance when a song is playing that I like. It does not matter to me that someone will be watching.

At that moment in time it is all about me and how I feel,

One of the things that makes me happy is when I am  looking for something to make me smile, giggle or down right laugh.

It is not a hidden fact that I am a Little.  My FOC and my family know that  I am a Little they also know that I am a service sub.

So if they see me with a stuffie in my purse or backpack it is normal for me.. 

They also know that if I am having a very bad day I will be in my corner of the living room reading or coloring in one of my books. 

One of the things that I have learned is that I do like the dark side of being a Little. Just because I am a Little does not mean that I am not interested in doing the things that make me kinky.

I want to have someone play with fire, wax, knifes, floggers, paddles and all of the things that is in the kink lifestyle. That also includes having a Daddy or a Sir. I have Bigs that play with me but it is nothing like having your own Sir or Daddy.

I love being a Little.

Being a Little is the best part of who I am.

I love being a service sub too but right now I am writing about being a LITTLE!!

For now I have many Caregivers an I love them all but when that person comes along and truly wants to be MY Daddy, He will have to meet my F.O.C. ( Family Of Choice ) then my Real Vanilla Family.

My Daddy will see me with my kink family and understand just how much they love me and how much I love them.

He will also understand that once he has earned my trust and love, On-one will be able to replace him or step in to his shoes. Only he will make me stop loving and caring for him. It will be by his actions and deeds that will lose his Little one.

So Daddy Dear please be careful of what you say and do for only you can turn your Little away!!